Hardbody Animals: The Asian Longhorned Beetle

The Asian Longhorned Beetle is metal as fuck. According to National Geographic the beetle “larvae bore into trees to feast on their tissue, emerging through boreholes in the summer.” Whoa?! For seriously? That is hardcore.  Like some sort of fucking vampire beetle, or matured alien. They are also kind of adorable. They look like a grasshopper that got into a bucket of black paint. And then had his friends give him some highlights. See example.

Originally from eastern Asia, the beetle was found in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, NY in 1996. It seems to be making it’s way north as well as to western Europe. It is thought that the American infestation began with materials imported from China as early as the 1980s.  Now that we are exporting lots of stuff to China maybe we can give them something..like a razor scooter infestation.  Soon all the ankles of China will be bruised by the merciless scooting of Asian youth.

We have lost over 6,000 trees from these fuckers and it looks like their hunger knows no ends. Like a vegan stoner with a bag of rice cakes.  When I think of these little guys just devouring the guts of a tree and bouncing to go make love and destroy more foliage it makes me think of the band Sleep.  So, I present you with a song.

Sleep – Inside the Sun

“To the center of the [trees] we go. Discovering secrets no one else has known. In the center of the [tree] away from earth and all it’s misery.”

One of the trees being planted to replace the host tree of the beetle is the Swamp White Oak.  How metal is that?  If your enemy is called the Swamp White Oak, you must be a bad ass.  Thus the Asian Longhorned Beetle is our hardbody animal for today.  The current champion was the Honey Badger, but I am working on a story about one so I’ll leave that for another day.


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